I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
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[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.