My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.