Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
you stereotypes are all alike
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.