Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
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Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.