Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
me and my fake scenarios
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.