Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
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The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Home is where your toilet is.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Cool shirt 🙂
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”