Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.