Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
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Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Come back with a warrant
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
¯_(ツ)_/¯