Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
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No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
We’re all getting idioter.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes