I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
You Might Also Like
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.