Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*