MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
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An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm