What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
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The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.