[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
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People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people