Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
You Might Also Like
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.