I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
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Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I think I’ll stand
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.