20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
*lint rolls you awake*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Who says great literature is dead?
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”