My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
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Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
😂 amazing answer
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.