7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’ve been drinking.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
A game married people play.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
sugar glider wrangler
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet