A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
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Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
SON: mommy I鈥檓 scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he鈥檚 not real?
ME: oh he鈥檚 very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
When you want your ball, but you don鈥檛 want to get wet
馃幘馃挧馃挦
america, 1969: let鈥檚 put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we鈥檙e gonna put a baby in the sun
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
3: Mommy, I love you. You鈥檙e the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I鈥檓 ready to make some concessions.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I鈥檓 happier now that I鈥檝e changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it鈥檚 the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it鈥檚 the vodka.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.