ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Admin smashed it 😂
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied