ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.