I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
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Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?