I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
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ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*