Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
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Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books