@dumbbeezie

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

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@karanbirtinna

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

@CarolineCasey

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

@ieatanddrink

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

@Try2StopME

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

@bazecraze

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

@TheAlexNevil

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

@iwearaonesie

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

@nvrtelmetheodds

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

@Nicole_Kapp87

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

@samiru27

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”