Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”