Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
my retirement plan is braless
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
And the rib?
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..