[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.