Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
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“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it