My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
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me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
fourth time’s the charm
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.