me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
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I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.