@SkinnerSteven

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

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@SonOfCha

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

@JayElem00

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

@mrjohndarby

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

@bobvulfov

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

@ThisLocalHater

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

@Kolology

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

@girl_a_whirl

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

@not_thenanny

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

@daemonic3

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*