“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
You Might Also Like
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
hey, alexa
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?