God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
You Might Also Like
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do