Just me?
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.