Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
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Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Lol.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
R.I.P.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah