Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
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9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Close call…
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?