I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
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So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group