[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
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I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp