Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
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me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.