if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
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This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
WTF IS THAT!
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?