It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
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Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.