My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
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someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious