“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
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WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Who needs an Air Fryer?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.