All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
All is fair in drunk and war.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone