All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Breaking news:
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Baller is short for ballerina
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!