No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.