Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
You Might Also Like
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
WHO DID THIS?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money