Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
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My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it