“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot