Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
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me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Mhm.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Did…did a minotaur write this
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?