Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
🤣😈🤣
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.