didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.