[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
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Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
the council will decide your fate
*skinny dips into black hole
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.